Note to the reader:

Odd things do turn up on the web. Their source is typically impossible to validate. The following essay, however, makes sense only if we read it as a chance escapee from some underground website—very far underground. Perhaps it comes from the op/ed page of a newspaper read by aficionados of foreign policy or from a political newsletter addressed to those convinced that government officials, in Hell as on the “Surface” (to use our author’s term), seldom tell the truth. I would guess that it must have been written shortly after the US “super Tuesday” primaries on March 1st of this year.

 

Malvolia Kakodaimon, Secretary of Terrestrial Affairs, responded to journalists’ questions yesterday about the US Republican primary elections by reaffirming the government’s stance against interference in the internal affairs of sovereign countries. “We continue,” she said, “our age-old policy of working with individuals and non-governmental organizations such as churches, stock markets, and infant football leagues. I have nothing to add to this statement.”

Nonetheless, rumors persist that officers of Subterranean Intelligence have been assigned as advisers to the principal candidates. There may even be some involvement in so-called “dirty” operations. The astonishing ascendancy of Donald Trump, who seems remarkably devoid of qualifications other than egotism and a complete lack of shame, has perplexed many both on the Surface and in the Hadean sphere. And some claim to have glimpsed SIA operatives “behind the curtain,” casting spells of fascination over audiences or introducing aerosolized chemicals thought to cripple the critical faculties.

Dubbius Phoné, spokesdevil for the SIA, dismissed such claims as “the daydreams of old demons who want to bring back the era of the Inquisition when we ruled the Surface more directly than we do now. That era is over. Get used to it!” Some old Inquisition hands, however, are said to be involved with the Cruz campaign as policy consultants.

One analyst at the Imperial Subversion College (who spoke with us on condition of anonymity on account of being “off message”) noted that he sees at least some interest in the capacity of Evangelical voters to reinstate something like the medieval alliance between the Infernum and the church. “This could be the best prospect of reinstating direct methods since the McCarthy Era,” he said, “though there is concern that the Evangelicals may be peaking prematurely.”

Invidia Weesil, Professor of Temptation Theory at the Hadean Institute of Technology, on the other hand, doubts that the government is actively tampering with the election. “If there were an overall strategy,” she said, “we wouldn’t expect to see energy divided among so many dubious candidates. This looks more like the free-lance efforts of junior tempters, competing with each other for the limelight.”

If that is indeed all that is going on, Mr. Trump’s and Mr. Cruz’s personal demons have a right to feel very proud of their work. Both candidates have done an outstanding job of arousing free-floating anxiety and turning it to their advantage. Without question, that produces a climate favorable to Infernal interests. Mr. Rubio’s companion, by comparison, could be doing a better job—or perhaps just needs better material to work with.

In any case, rumors of official involvement persist, and this columnist will continue to dig more deeply into them. For some, at least, the present moment seems a good opportunity to move toward more intensive Infernal engagement with the United States. Such schemes have been working well in Iran and North Korea, and they are showing promise in places like Syria, Libya, Somalia, and northern Nigeria. There is no reason to think that a place like the United State could not benefit from more attention. The promotion of distrust, anger, arrogance, greed, and general bloody-mindedness is, after all, the bread and butter of our economy and can only do us good.